04 September 2010

I'm at my mom's house today, sitting in my sister's bedroom. Its weird that she isn't here. Her room, while packed full of cloths and a little bit of everything else seems empty without her. Mom has plastered the walls with pictures of Carmen. She's everywhere I look, and if you want to get technical about it, shes actually sitting in a box on the shelf behind me. I talk to her every time I come over, tell her how much I miss her. Is it weird to talk to her ashes? Mom does it all the time. I think I'd go crazy (crazier than I already am) if I had to live in this house without her.

I'm crazy enough as it is. I stopped taking my meds a few months ago and now I'm getting sick again. I'm panicky and paranoid, I have an anxiety problem, I stress too much. I can't stand to be alone. So I'm going to have to go back to the doctor soon, and get back on my meds. I don't want to be "crazy" I don't want to be scared all the time. I just wan to be normal, healthy, and happy. Thats not too much to ask right? So its back to the doctor for me I guess. My ♥ is very supportive of me, I don't know what I'd do without her, she's always helping me and encouraging me. I feel safe when I'm with her and my anxiety isn't so bad. I just hope she know just how much she means to me. I couldn't survive without her. She understands me and she knows what I need.

I'm so sleepy lately and I can't seem to keep myself awake. I sleep 8 hours at least, every night, and if I'm home alone I usually take a nap, if just to get away from myself for a few hours. There isn't a reason why I should be so sleepy. I can't figure it out. My "sickness" has just gotten so bad in the past week. Its a lot to handle all at once. But I'm really starting to get a headache from typing so...

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